Indefinable. Me.

One helluva lousy day. Let’s start with tennis, since it was the very 1st event i had this morning.

I lost, again, 7-5 to someone who i was leading 4-2 before. Don’t you just hate it when you screw it up? It sucks knowing you could’ve beaten your opponent hands down.

At the bus stop after my very frustrating loss, i am 5 mins early, waiting for the 1.30pm bus. And still waiting. And waiting. It is 1.40pm and still no sign of the bus. I start getting impatient, seeing that i’m suppose to meet up with Lisa in the city soon.

A terribly haggard looking woman is waiting with me too. She’s so haggardly, she looks fatigue-like, even when she smiles. Which she didn’t, cause haggardly people hardly ever smile. They’re a more subtle version of emos. Anyway, the haggard looking lady was waiting with me. I asked her if she was catching the 1.30pm bus. She says 2.10pm. I died, temporarily. Then i dragged myself to the bus time table under the bus stop sign. It says 1.30pm. I am confused. I got back to the lady, and tells her there should be one at 1.30pm, not 2.10pm. She turns to me, with that haggard, haggard look, and says, "I DON’T CARE WHAT TIME THE BUS COMES!" I am not impressed. I was just being considerate. I was pissed, more of. Stupid grumpy haggard people, they deserve to be extinct. I replied, "Well fuck YOU. I was just informing you, you cow." No actually, i didn’t say that out loud. I was being a wuss. But i had half the mind to, considering how i lost a potential winning match and was going to be late meeting Lisa.

So i leave the bus stop to grab lunch. I return after, to catch the 2.10pm bus. The haggard old cow isn’t at the bus stop anymore. I KNEW IT! She tricked me. She wanted me to miss my bus and be late meeting Lisa. She planned it, sonuvabitch. The bus comes, and i am already pushed to the very edge of my tolerance level. My left ear-phones are plugged in as i listen to Ministry of Sound. I slot my bus card into the stupid machine, the bus driver is saying things and shakes his hand in a "empty" manner. I am confused, but couldn’t care less. I was in no mood to talk to anyone. Then he says, "IT’S SPOILED. IF YOU CAN’T HEAR ME THEN TAKE THAT THING OUT OF YOUR EAR I’VE TOLD YOU 3 TIMES ALREADY!" I was taken back. I exploded. "I CANNN HEAR YOU! DO YOU WANT ME TO PAY YOU OR NOT?!" He replies, "IT’S SPOILED HOW CAN I CHARGE YOU?!" "Wutever. Your loss."

Later, i meet Lisa, who is totally wasted, not from alcohol but of, God knows wut she was jst wasted. We check the times for the movies. Nothing nice is on. So we left. We then walk over to Auck Uni where Cara was. As i crossed the road, a beat up jeep stops before me to drop a guy off. I walk around it, up front, and the fuckhead accelerates while looking behind at the guy who jst left the car. I was *thiisssssssssssssssssssssss close to being rammed over by a beat up jeep. How sad is that? I’d rather be road-kill by a cooler car, like a Maserati, or a Porshe 4 wheel drive, for instance. I gave him one bitch of a look "GEEZ MAN WATCH IT!!!!" He replies with a damn wide grin on his face, a not very pleasant one either and says "oops!". Oops my ass, dickface.

I still have my Eng assignment to finish. And bio. And economics. And calc. I’m dying for the hols to arrive. Really.

I feel like a bitch today. But it’s for a good cause. Some people tend to get on my nerves so much, it fucks the living hell outta me just thinking bout it.

First of all, lemme make it c l e a r. I like originality, ya hear?

So just keep in that pitiable mind of yours, when you copy "my style", it comes to show you ain’t got no originality. And i hate it when people do that.  So kindly just remember that, no matter how hard you try, you can’t replace me, and you damn well can’t BE me. Bout time you gave up trying, cos i know, and you know, you’re getting no where near. If my presence makes you insecure and you assume the only cure is to "copy" me, then i suggest you dig yourself a goddamn grave cos if you don’t, i will.

Don’t you just hate, despise, abhor wannabes. That’s not a question btw, it’s a goddamn statement.

Love ya all,
yours truly

Friday night.

I have a thousand word essay on the Rabbit-Proof Fence due on Monday.
I have 2 physics experiment write-ups to complete and mark.
I have economics worksheets on elasticity to finish.
I have bio to slog through cause honestly, genetics fuck the helloutta me.
I have a no-less-than-600-word english assignment to prepare for next week.
I have tennis tomorrow morning against Howick, we are goin to die.

I have no life.

Compliments and substitutes.

You either force yourself to a passive acceptance, regardless of what you feel just so things seem like how it should be for the sake of others. Like compliments: salt and pepper, fish and chips. Fish might not like chips, but everyone else loves fish and chips. (haha that’s probably the most ludicrous philosophy i’ve ever come up with, but fck it, i’m through with things haha)

OR

You choose the wisest solution- substitute.

I chose smart,
cause i’m just done putting up with others.

I’m probably not making much sense to you. But i sure am to me. Praise the Lord!

I’ll sit and watch,
on my wooden perch in my
barred cell.
watch you sad pathetic creatures
dig and mine,
load and unload,
barrels and barrels of
mud-covered blocks,
in such inhospitable conditions.

And then i’d get bored, after
observing the repeating scenario,
as each month drones pass.
I’ll sit and hope,
on my wooden perch in my
barred cell.
hope when you poor foolish creatures
will accidently set me free while,
filling my moss infested water bowl.

I’ll sit and wonder,
on my wooden perch in my
barred cell.
wonder what it’s like beyond
that bright entrance at the far end
of this God forsaken mud hole.
Wonder when i’ll hear fresh air, feel
warm sun, taste familiar sounds.
I’ll sit and wonder.

Till one day, while i was sitting
and watching,
on my wooden perch in my
barred cell.
A strange smell drifts across, something
addictively intoxicating.
This fume, you damned inconsiderate beings
call poison.
I cried, to let me out.

You putrid unintelligent things,
like brittle insects
scattered, everywhere.
Taking with you those ugly
mud-blocks and yourself. Leaving
me, your savior
to breathe to sleep those fumes,
while i lay down, silently
beneath my wooden perch in my
barred cell.

Today’s not much of a look forward to either. For Christ’s sake it’s a Friday. I have 20 thousand assignments to finish by this weekend. Tomorrow’s gonna be sweet. Yea, just awesomely sweet. Tennis at like 2am in the morning, okay fine at 10 am but still relatively early. Anyway, tennis on a Saturday morning which i know the opposing team will waste the hellouta us, because we have sucha goddamn fine captain who’s (sadly) managing such brilliant players. Shopping for Lisa’s ball dress oh for crying out loud it’s not till June bro… Following with some fancy-pancy light show at the park. That’s probably the only thing i would want to participate in. I mean, it’s goddamn nz for the last time. I haven’t quite been feeling myself lately, screw that whatever. Simply complimenting the pessimist in me, which is highly irregular, just so you know. I’m actually nice 90% of the time, unless you’re being a bitch and all that who thinks the world about yourself 680 days a year. That really puts me off. I hate prima donnas. Boy, do they fuck me off. Damn, i have to learn to focus. Back to me being nice, yea i am actually. Just not right now, not recently. I know, i contradict myself quite a fair bit too. I feel like a Cinnabon, which i will never get to savour till July. That’s 4 months of craving, shit. I’m so sick of homework, and assignments and oh       mygod this stupid song playing right now why did i even download it in the first place.

I wonder if this is what mid-life syndrome is like, or whatever the hell you call it. You know, when adults engage in some traumatic sudden-struck realization, that… oh i dunno, maybe their wife’s not as hot as she used to be 150 years ago and the fact that they’ll have to put up with this old haggard for the rest of their sad, old, deteriorating life. Yea, something along those lines.

I’ve long realized no one adds comments anymore. I must be such a bore.

Today is a Thursday. I’m just not in the mood for anything. God, how i wish for it to just pour, right now, just rain and drown the whole of Epsom. That would be such sheer fun. I have never hated physics this much in my life, ever. Calculus is turning into a real bitch as well. Judas. Anyway back to my main point i’ve never hated physics this much in my life, ever. Goddamn subject, i score an excellence for it and yet i have trouble understanding half of the time what the hell the teacher’s ranting on about. See, sometimes i’m just too genius for my own good. Oh yea, and did i mention i’ve got one hell of a lousy physics teacher? Well now i have, now you know, so if i flunk this goddamn subject in my next test then i’m fully not responsible for it. I think it’s only fair that way. All she does is scribble down 50 million equations on the board adrift and repeats "shhh!!!" another 10 billion times with this constipated look on her face, just cause the whole class is confused hell on what she’s goin on about. Yea, that’s physics. God, how i hate you.

I could bite someone right now i’m just so abso-fuckin-lutely agitated. That is, if there was even anyone in this goddamn house. I’m always alone in this house. It’s depressing to even think about it. I just remembered! Ying’s Fall Out Boy’s CD’s with me! Gonna burn myself a copy. At least that’s something to look forward to for today, Thursday. Which, if you think about it, is also rather depressing. I have a Fall Out Boy CD as a goddamn highlight of the day. Grand.

Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and Timbaland are coming to NZ this July. I guess that’s something great about NZ. They have many concerts. Snow Patrol and Fall Out Boy have already performed so far. Red Hot Chilli Peppers will be here soon. But the ticket’s too goddamn expensive. I can’t afford jack shit, i don’t have a job, and damn do i feel poor. Anyway, missing the point again. I get sidetracked quite easily. If my future husband JT and his crew are gonna be performing at the time i’m meant to be back, i’ll not come back. I’d kill to get a picture with him. Damn. Sexy.